hands always outstretched giving giving giving wanting only to give and yes yes yes maybe receive some too but the joy really is in the giving the loving wanting to redeem wanting to be the thing i lack the one who will love you when you are despicable and don’t deserve it but never wanted the gift is never wanted makes me wonder if i outstretched hands hold something not of delicate and necessary beauty but something mangled and repugnant whose stink only i can not see to me it is so crystal and blown glass and blue water to me it is so sunrise and maybe i just don’t see maybe the love i outstretched hands hold giving is something rabid and bloodtoothed

it will have to change i say change not end because it doesnt end ever i am starting to see now and i guess that makes sense because nothing is created or destroyed right nothing is created or destroyed only changes form i think and it will have to change maybe maybe maybe with you taking finally taking from my hands this sunrise thing im giving but but but probably not
probably not because i don’t win here this isnt the place for me i’ve known that a long time and i loved him like a car wreck body flown and jerked i would have whiplashed eternal if he would take the sunrise thing from my outstretched hands pleading to give it and i am mourning
i am mourning i admit it i admit it here finally because i walk head high daily never thinking just erasing blowing away like powder sand ever licked eyebrow and tree from his bedroom window and the light of a cold sunday in bed i am mourning i said it i am mourning because what i lost was not some boy thing some black tear torn letter sobbing thing i lost something big something rock something foundation something that was not mine to lose some sacred i borrowed from the universe for you and now i must go back to her empty handed saying i gambled it away so sure you would take the sunrise in my hand and kiss my forehead and burn with me in the sacred but you wouldnt

and so i know it must change and i say change and not end because it doesnt really end because now that i lost that sacred thing the universe loaned me for that last car wreck love i know i won’t let the heavy perfume of another woman lay boulder on my sternum for very long because even when i don’t know you are with her i know even when i dont want to know the air tells me the silence tells me the hum of my computer all the objects in the world know you’re with her and they tell me and i stuff my ears with fingers but they only tell me louder and i shout back i don’t care but they call me liar the street lights and mail boxes and fire hydrants the faucet and my shampoo bottles they know and they won’t let me not know and i shout back i don’t care and the street lights call me liar

and since i did that car wreck love and lost the universe’s sacred that she gave me like a diamond necklace i know she won’t let me love like that again i mean for one her diamond necklace is gone shattered in a million stars on my sternum bloody collar where your finger prints once bruised so i know that it must change either you will take this sunrise from my cupped and outstretched palms either you will take it graciously and not make me ashamed for giving or i will leave i know i will and i don’t want to but i’ll fight you and fight you loving clawing and clawing with tears demanding silent that you take it hoping you will understand until we are so stranger that we float apart quizzical looking back amazed we ever were either you will take it graciously or i will fly away violent and thrashing a broken winged blackbird angry to be falling